The Update 2012

Yesterday I was taking a look through my old bookmarks cleaning everything out when I stumbled upon a link to a blog I hadn't updated in two years. Memories of a dull and regretful summer came flooding back, marked by sparse moments of pleasant satisfaction. Seeing the old blog link there gave me a nostalgic feeling,  I don't need to say that the blog I saw was this one, even after not updating for two years.

Yeah, sounds about right.

Two years, wow. That's a long time. There's so much that has happened to me in that timespan, so many changes and additions or redactions to my way of thinking. There's not enough space in a book to sum it all up, despite seeming like such a small number.

I spent the next hour (yes, hour, I write way too fucking much) scouring the archives. Despite being only ten posts long, I found myself having not just a little fun. It's really something to look back on a project from a time when your mindset was supposedly completely different. Immature, confused, juvenile. But no, I was startled that what I had written still sounded EXACTLY like how I sound now when I rant. It's pretty remarkable, seeing your personality etched into the historical archives of the web. Not that anyone read it, of course. I had only one reader, and she stopped updating her own blog soon after I stopped updating mine. The lack of attention is discouraging. People feel the need to be rewarded for their efforts. People aren't attentionwhores, but they are social creatures. Socializing involves attention directed at you. If an endeavor doesn't garner praise, its frustrating or lonely, and one has the choice to persevere or move on.  I respect both choices, because I know how difficult both can be. On the one hand, someone who keeps at it has the trait of being "relentless" or "committed". These are admirable characteristics in people's eyes, and for good reason. However, blind faith is illogical. Churning out new material while hoping that through some stroke of luck someone will notice your efforts is pretty wishful thinking. Any rational person knows to change their approach when their initial tactic is unsuccessful.

In short, one can either write and hope that someone will notice or give up and direct their attention onto some different project. While doing this blog during a very crappy summer, I got bored and started doing other things instead, mostly working on a new game project with some people who would become some very good friends of mine over the course of the year.

That story is for another day; I've gotten off topic, as I tend to do when I write. I'm tempted to go on listing examples as to how I drift off into harangue mode whilst talking about any everyday topic there see I'm doing it again. Let's get to the point.

After reading all my old posts, I realized that I found myself from two years ago to actually be pretty likable. I mean, I had grown to think of him as an unnecessarily cynical person. Which he was, just that I found him super funny when in that mode. Hell, I still write and talk like that. I've done a few other little writing projects but much like how my posts get off topic, so do I get distracted or bored quickly. But hey, I thought that it might be fun to write a few more posts. I doubt anyone will actually crawl their way into this corner of the internet to find it, but I always did these more for my own sake anyway. I'm feeling like writing some more, in my own voice, not emulating the style or feel of other writers, as I've done for some of the other writing things I've tried. It's an artificial sensation that I don't really want to put myself through consistently. Done sparingly is fine, since its a good exercise, but not every time. I have my writing style, and I have my own way to discourse. It's time to flesh that out again.

I'm having mixed feelings about publishing this flow of thought post. On the one hand, I like the lighthearted cynical feel of a solo blogger ranting away at the world, and I'm tempted to preserve that image. In my eyes, that's a hero. Someone who speaks the truth even when there's noone around to appreciate it. I'm not sure if posting this will do anything to affect that image, not that I think I'm a hero or anything close. Which brings me to the other side of the issue, which is pretentiousness. I've found myself thinking about pretentiousness for the past year, and I've grown to loathe it, which is why I fear falling into it myself. I've actually gotten newfound respect for comedy writers that publish more serious works or essays, it puts a human face on them, a complicated look that no amount of cynicism can replicate. A 'serious' post on a "comedy" blog? Why, I never! These types of posts should only be reserved for the most special of occasions like leavings/comebacks or anniversaries. Well, I checked my calendar; its been almost exactly two years since my last post, I'm gonna say that this is good enough to say happy anniversary to me!

Dammit Fuko, why are you depressing to look at.